Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
