she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
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Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
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You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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