i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
