Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
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He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
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I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
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