I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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