Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.