It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.