You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
High School Students Hilariously Rank Celebrities By Their Stank For Class Project
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
15 Things You Truly Understand If You Sleep Next To Someone Who Snores Like A Rhinoceros Every Night
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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