My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
