Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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