I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
