Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
