Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
