Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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