My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
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Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
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I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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