Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
