My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
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I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
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Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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