Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
