Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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