38 yer olds are good kisserssss
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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