benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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