i'm lost and i look like a hooker
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
