i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
