i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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