I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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