You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
