Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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