allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
