If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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