drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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