Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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