Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
