She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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