Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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