You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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