we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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