In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
