My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
