He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize