Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
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