I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
