I need to stop coming to work sober
i wish my penis had a tongue
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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