Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
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We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
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I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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