Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
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