I need help removing her.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets