Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
