It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
