Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
You left your phone here
Wait...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
