We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
