How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You ruined the universe
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
