y did u give ur computer a hand job?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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