Four minutes until I can fart!
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
