I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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