News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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