we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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