Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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