Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
