when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
