I didn't shave. On purpose
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
The uberlube is also flammable
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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