I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
