My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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